Top 10 Writing Jokes

Being a writer can be exhausting. Not in the I just climbed a mountain or ran a marathon kind of way, but in the kind of way where seven p.m. rolls around and you can’t even form a proper sentence or spell the word your (you’re?) correctly.

Basic business, man!

Wait! Before you sigh and roll your eyes because I sit on my butt all day, mostly writing, sometimes playing on Facebook and watching cat videos, hear me out.

I’ve spent the past month or so devoting every waking hour, even the ones I was supposed to be asleep for, editing and re-writing book two of The Soul Mender trilogy. From the time I wake up to the time I’ve had too much wine at night, my mind never stops whirring (sorry, mom!).

Even when I pause to eat I can’t stop thinking of how to fix that sentence or change this word. I lay down to sleep and all I can think about is how to make this guy badder (it’s a word in my book, or maybe it’s just mush mind), or that scene more meaningful. And even though I count sheep and read books (currently reading The Stand by Stephen King. It’s no wonder I can’t sleep at night), my brain just—won’t—stop.

So when I sat down to craft a blog for this week’s post, I felt my brain pushing against my skull in protest—the cries of fatigue bouncing between my ears.

Please, God no! No more writing!

But here’s the exciting news. On Friday, book two goes to the editors which means we are getting closer to knowing what the hell happens next, and I get a teensy break! And I’m super pumped about the coming installment. But in all the hubbub of making sure this story lives up to its baby sister, my brain sort of turned to mush and slammed on the brakes.

Don’t worry, my brain only needs a few days of fried jell-O (trying this for you, Shannon!) and fried beer to recover. Thank God for the State Fair of Texas!

So instead of writing something meaningful for this week’s blog, I’m going to take it easy and share some of my favorite jokes about writing.

So as I go on autopilot for a few days (mmmmm, fried Twinkies and Big Tex), please enjoy the following.

You’re (your?) welcome, elementary school teachers and grammar aficionados.

My top ten favorite writing related jokes

1)   Why did the run-on sentence think it was pregnant?

Because its period was late!

But seriously, sometimes it works. Sometimes a run-on is so good it can’t be wrong!

“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way—in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of the noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only.”

Charles Dickens, “A Tale of Two Cities”

2)   The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar.

…it was tense.

Insert triple comic knee slap here.

3)   What do you say to comfort the grammar police?

There, their, they’re.

So I know most people have seen this one because it’s been floating around social media on various memes. But for those who haven’t, you’re welcome!

4)   How do you irritate a writer?

The list is to long too fit here.

This one is tricky. You may have to read it twice. Clearly the person this joke is referring to must be suffering from brain mush syndrome as well.

5)   Why did the pregnant woman yell “couldn’t, wouldn’t, and shouldn’t” when she was in labor?

She was having contractions.

Hah! Literary Bazinga! Fun fact: I love the Big Bang Theory. Best show ever.

6)   What kind of word should you invite to a fancy tea party?

A proper noun.

Aw, lame. This must be from a Laffy Taffy wrapper.

7)   Why did the comma break up with the apostrophe?

Because it was too possessive.

I don’t know why but this one is my favorite. Kudos to the COMIC out there who crafted this classic zinger.

8)   My English teacher looked my way and said, “Name two pronouns.”

I said, “Who me?”

I wonder if this scenario has ever actually played out?

9)  Why do words, phrases, and punctuation keep ending up in court?

To be sentenced.

I’m out of things to say…Great job, jokester.

10) Why do writers constantly feel cold?

Because they’re surrounded by drafts.

Okay this one isn’t funny for two reasons. 1) I live in a place that’s hotter than hell, and 2) the image of being surrounded by drafts gives me nightmares.